Firefighter Retires, Donates Pension to Healthcare Industry

GOODEYE CITY, AZ — After 25 years of selfless service, veteran firefighter Jason O’Connel has officially hung up his boots. At 52, he cites the usual suspects—chronic back pain, sleepless nights, and a suspiciously PTSD-adjacent twitch in his left eye—as signs it’s time to start a new chapter.

“It’s been an honor to serve alongside Goodeye’s finest,” said O’Connel, in a tone that made you feel like the station’s dalmation had just been put down.

But true to form, O’Connel wasn’t about to ride off into the sunset without one final act of heroism: donating his entire pension to the healthcare industry.

Seeing as O,Connel is still a decade away from medicare, and his current wife is a 43-year old mother of four, the call to provide is an itch he's forced to scratch. Upon receiving a retirement quote from Goodeye Fire District HR stating his new out-of-pocket cost to retain his current PPO coverage would total $2,609 per pay period, the path forward became clear.

“I’ve decided to forgo my pension entirely,” said O’Connel, “and just sign those checks directly over to the good folks at United Blue Shield of Arizona.”

The move ensures O’Connel and his family will enjoy 100% coverage for at least the next 14 months—or until premiums rise again—plus a convenient $2,000 annual deductible to keep them humble.

“The healthcare industry has always had our backs,” said O’Connel, adjusting his out-of-network Amazon Essentials back brace. “Now it’s time we had theirs.”

A recent United Blue Shield study offered reassurance, noting that career firefighters, thanks to years of exposure to carcinogens, actually develop enhanced immunity to disease.

“They’ve basically built up a Wolverine-like resistance to illness,” said a United spokesperson. “It’s only right they donate their pensions to support our profit marg—er, I mean, healing mission.”

What's next for our fireman-hero after selfless service to his community?

"The sky's - and my lack of formalized education - are the only limits!"

O'Connel revealed he met the minimum qualifications to get hired on staff with United Blue Shield of AZ as a human labrat.

"Jason will continue his service to the community, and the future of mankind, by using his body as a human pin-cushion, to see what new vaccine treatments the body can actually survive."

United Blue Shield representatives confirmed while his new position does not come with health insurance, they would provide O'Connel with 10% legacy discounts at Firehouse Subs and certain cremation services after his pension's deductible has been met.