City Combating Crime with More Admin

TUMULTULA, OK — The streets of Cowbasin County echoed with celebratory gunfire this week—not in honor of a local festival, but in recognition of the newly approved city budget, which includes a massive win for Local Sheriff’s Union 3211: more administrative support.

“We’ve always said effective law enforcement starts with a robust HR department,” declared Union President "Rollover" Rick McNealy. “With seven new positions approved across HR, IT, and Finance, we’re finally in a position to begin thinking about maybe hiring more cops someday.”

Though zero new patrol officers will be added this year, officials remain optimistic that an influx of PowerPoint presentations and mandatory time-tracking software will eventually trickle down into community safety.

“Today is a banner day,” said Police Chief Ryan Wiggams. “With more personnel enforcing policies on our officers, we can assure the public that OSHA compliance remains our top priority—then also stopping crime.”

🚔 Not Everyone’s Onboard

Some on-the-ground officers expressed confusion at the strategy.

“We’re so short-staffed, we only respond to active shooters if there’s confirmed visible blood splatter,” said one anonymous officer while crouching behind a Crown Vic parked outside Dee’s Donuts. “We’ve stopped responding to stabbings, group beatdowns, and domestic assaults unless someone FaceTimes us mid-crime.”

Still, officials insist these concerns are overblown.

📊 Reallocating Funds to What Matters

Roughly $500,000 was pulled from officer raises and shifted toward a salary survey—to determine if admin staff are being paid competitively with other admin staff in other cities, performing similarly undefined roles.

“It’s called responsible governance,” said HR Director Nancy Deville, yelling over her kids mid-Zoom call from home. “You can’t just throw money at public safety. You throw it at consultants who can one day recommend what to throw it at.”

Deville reaffirmed the city’s commitment to eventually returning to full response capacity for “most street-level murders” after the current Administrative Equity Review Cycle concludes.

“We just want what’s fair,” she added. “And fairness starts with six-figure salaries for middle managers working hybrid schedules.”

Sources confirm a rapidly assembled Task Force on Violent Optics is currently drafting a 32-slide presentation on Community Perception Strategy, pending approval from the newly hired Deputy Assistant Director of Admin-Led Crisis Narratives.

Public safety is expected to resume once the formatting is finalized.